Harassment from Security Guards

As we were talking this week about sexual harassment I was reminded of working in the Tarrant County Justice Center. Every morning when I would go to work, the security guards would feel it necessary to make sly comments or hit on me. I do not think I have ever looked forward to being allowed into the "employee only entrance" quite so much. The behavior of the security guards was frustrating but my response was more frustrating.

I was talking about this with a fellow classmate recently. Men may make ridiculous comments; but, sometimes women, like myself, fail to respond. Most of the time when I was entering the Justice Center I would just roll my eyes and chalk the behavior up to "being a man." It is exactly as we discussed in class-when is the appropriate time to take a stand? Because I wrestle with this issue, the end result is I don't say anything. In my opinion, that is the worst path women can take. If we never stand up for ourselves then change will likely never occur.

Alternatively, speaking up when inappropriate comments are made, may result in men perceiving women as irritable or they may say "well, it must just be her time of the month." I think it would require the majority of women to stand up or else men would just assume those who did were irritable or old fashioned. If women stood up in a united manner it would be much more difficult for men to say females are ALL irritable individuals. But, this may be easier said than done because at times one must have a confrontational attitude to achieve a result (and not all women possess this personality trait).

Male Victims of Sexual Harassment

What is it like to be sexually harassed as a man? In order to imagine this do we need to picture the female in the position of power a la Demi Moore in Disclosure or an effeminate male like the two examples we discussed in class? Surely there is no problem of the stereotypical manly-man being harassed by his demure female secretary on near the scope as he is harassing her! The data certainly doesn't suggest so, anyway.

Picture this: An older woman makes a loud remark about her young male boss' physique as he walks by. The other people in the office, male and female, all turn to look at him and laugh. Other females chime in, asking him to show them and make "mmm, mmm" noises. The men laugh louder. The young man simply continues walking to his desk.

Do we expect his reaction to be any different than what we'd expect from a female? Is a woman's body any more off limits from banter than a man's? Do we expect him to be flattered or laugh along with the others? Are we suprised that he would be offended? Humiliated? Wouldn't he feel that his credibility/authority at work had been undermined? He faces the same problem as a woman in the position: if he says anything, he's overly sensitive. If he reports this, then he risks that he will be seen as weak, incapable of garnering respect from his subordinates, and possibly being passed up for a promotion based on those perceptions. If he confronts the group, then they see him as overly sensitive or a spoil-sport, potentially compounding the problem.

If the sexes here were reversed, I suspect that no one would have laughed. If he had made a loud comment and instigated jokes about her breasts, he would be in big trouble and nobody would think twice about her right to report him.

Remember Michael Crichton?

Since we have been talking about sexual harassment I have been reminded of the Michael Crichton novel that came out in the early 90s about the subject. I think it was called "Disclosure." A movie was made out of it starring Michael Douglas and Demi Moore. Back then Michael Crichton's novels were usually thought-provoking - popular but not too trashy. I can remember being particularly galled that he reversed the usual situation....a female supervisor was threatening and harassing a male employee. Was there not a thought-provoking book to write about the more usual scenario? (I can remember thinking.) Of course there are female supervisors who harass male employees - there were then and there are now too. It just makes me want to sigh because it seemed like by declining to write about the usual situation he trivialized what happens to alot of women everyday. The Michael Douglas character saved the day because he accidentally recorded the encounter in question on his cell phone (really really new technology back then). Would the story really have suffered that much if the roles had been reversed and Demi had been the heroine?

Reasoable Man "Re-Convinced?"

I thought our discussion Thursday on sexual harassment was very interesting. The idea in Nonsuboridnation that most standards we have in society are based on maleness and male characteristics has been eye-opening. After class I was thinking more about the question of "reasonable man." I have a male friend who worked with me as a legal intern a while back. Our male superivsing attorney is gay, and it was kind a joke around the interns that he had a crush on this friend of mine. He would call him, text him and ask him to go out to bars with him. We were discussing all of that one day when my friend made a startling revelation. He said he finally understood what it was like to be a woman and be "pursued."

It had never really occurred to me that men do not understand what it is like to be pursued (at least not in the way that women do). If a woman is relentlessly pursued by a male there are often feelings of fear, powerlessness and humiliation. If a man is relentlessly pursued by a female there are often feelings of pride, power and arrogance. Those are very different responses - so I guess the question is, why are the responses different?

There is probably not just one answer, but I think one answer lies in the way men and women interact socially. Often times, men are assumed to be in control of situations even when they are not. Women are assumed to not be in control of situations even when they are. Thus, the feelings of power and powerlessness are dealt accordingly.

My intern friend and I talked further about his feelings. I asked him to clarify just what he meant when he said he now understood what it was like to be pursued like a female. He said he felt powerless, confused about what the appropriate response was, and to a certain level - even victimized. He said he had never had these feelings when he had been pursued by females (even ones he was not at all attracted to). I believe the reason he felt this way was due to the power shift. The person who was pursuing him was an attorney, a boss and an older male. Because of his station, age and sex, he had the power. My friend experienced for the first time what it was like to be in the submissive seat of a social interaction...and it completly changed his perceptions.

All of this causes me to think of the reasonable man standard and how most of the people who set "reasonable" standards are men. My friend would've set the standard one way a year ago. Now he would set the standard at an entirely different place. Have the circumstances changed? No - but the perceptions have.
On a sadder note, when I lamented to this friend about how a male attorney suggested I include a picture on my resume to help me land a job, his response was, "The system isn't perfect, Amy. You have to play the game." I give up.

Mother

I had prepared this post that seemed really thoughtful and intelligent. I did it right before I was going to the ultrasound that would tell me if I was carrying a son or a daughter. Right on the cusp of such important information, I was struck by how many differences I anticipated between the two. You see, if it was to be a daughter my concerns were raising a girl that could excel in a man’s world, who could be confident and strong and with the grace and dignity that makes a woman such a fascinating and wonderful dichotomy. But if I were raising a son, I thought it would be important to stress the ability to be tender and emotionally intelligent. I wanted to raise a son that would be a good husband and father; who could recognize the gift of the circumstances of his birth as a white, upper-middle class, male – the trifecta of important social determiners that are not within our control – and who would appreciate and respect that that kind of social privilege requires of him a certain amount of social responsibility.
We found out at that sonogram that I was having a daughter. Already the light of my world, she was all that mattered. She was the result of years of infertility treatments, All of our hopes and years of dreams. We were beyond ecstatic. Now all of that is moot. All the world has changed. I was unprepared for the terrible third option that lurked like the devil himself mere hours away. We would never get to raise this child. This past Saturday, just three days after that sonogram, my water broke, 4 weeks before my sweet little girl would have lungs that could sustain her. I was in labor for nineteen hours, all the time knowing that my child would never draw breath. It was at unimaginable, crushing grief. We held each other and cried and begged God for a miracle that the doctors told us would never come. My sweet, beautiful girl was born on Sunday, but she died the night before.
Her birth is, at once, the most heartbreaking, devastating hours of my life, and somehow still the most profound, and life changing, and miraculous. I became a mother in those hours. That is arguably the most completely feminine thing in the world. I am still her mother. If I weren’t my heart wouldn’t be breaking like this. I will never be the same. I will never stop missing her – this amazing, tiny little girl who got cheated out of a life and a family where she is so loved and wanted. I will never stop being proud of her - of how she fought to survive for hours even with her little world inside me coming down around her. And I love her without end and without exception. If that is not a mother, I don’t know what is.